Ever noticed how the Swedes never award themselves Nobel prizes? If you were unfortunate enough to have been born in Sweden, the chances of you ever getting a Nobel prize are slim indeed, my friend.
That’s right. They can Swedish it out, but they can’t take it.
There were twelve in the bed
And the little one said
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and one fell out
There were eleven on the bed
With a bump on the head
And the little one said
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and one fell out
…. [several verses later] ….
There were two in the bed
With a bump on the head
And they were all seeing red
‘Cause they thought they were dead
And they couldn’t get ahead
With a tush full of lead
And a milkman named Fred
And Rosebud a sled
An an adventure with Bill and Ted
From Alpha to Zed
Because, baby, Zed is dead
And the little one said
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and one fell out
There was one in the bed
And the little one said
Good night!
My stepmother is loaded. And we can’t stand her. Sure she’s phenomenally wealthy but she’s also unbearable to be around. She hates when we kiss up to her and she also hates when we don’t kiss up. If we don’t visit we’re screwed and if we do visit we get in trouble if we stay too long. And we’re expected to bring presents and tell her how great she is all the time. Which we only do in the hopes that she’ll leave us some money someday. As she well knows.
Last week she announced that we couldn’t come to dinner because she had a bladder infection. But she wanted us to feel sorry for her and stuff. So I found this special tea online — it’s made with cranberry extract and it’s supposed to help with urinary tract issues — and had sixteen cartons of it delivered to her house. With a get well card saying how great she is and how much we all like her, etc.
Well, she was livid. It totally backfired. She called me up that night and said, “Honey, bladder tea will get you nowhere!”
Egads. I will not be bested by the snickering post below. Schplogosphere be damned. The madness must cease.
1. Gratuitous
2. Poltroon
3. Effervescent
4. Toga
5. Masticate
6. Gaudy
7. Smorgasbord
8. Pontificate
9. Refurbish
10. Fizzle
Top this if you dare!
1. Hornswoggle
2. Bedazzle
3. Iridescent
4. Lavish
5. Recalcitrant
6. Pop
7. Radish
8. Cymbal
9. Veranda
10. Rambunctious
Okay, how much chin could a chin-chucker chuck if a chin-chucker could chuck chin?
Or, conversely, how much gin could a gin-chugger chug if a gin-chugger could chug gin?
Or: how much shin could a shin-hugger hug if a shin-hugger could hug shin?
The thing with the cavemen is that they resisted change. Or rather, they just weren’t into having it happen very quickly. Understandably. Who can blame a tired ancestor for just plodding along about his daily business, bumbling about in his mediocre way, hoping that things would somehow kind of turn out okay? That was, in a nutshell, the life of Meanderthal Man.
I’m not generally crazy about going to visit my mother’s sister, even though she’s super nice and always gives us great presents. But she’s also old fashioned and eccentric and it’s a pain to get there because she lives way up in the mountains with a managerie of animals that she spoils rotten. Not to mention all the creepy things she hasn’t adopted.
Once on the way to visit her my brother was bitten by a rattlesnake. Course he got lucky because it turns out that she was the only thing that could have saved him. Auntie Bertha took him in and made a special tea, tucked him into bed and baked him his favorite cookies. Nothing cures a poison like the auntie dote.
It has come to our Attention that there exists an astonishing Lack in the Field of (Misogynistic) Nursery Rhymes for Modern Youngsters. A Schplogger gives his first modest Attempt:
Skater skater tater hater
Had a wife but couldn’t trade her
He hid her in a tater peel
And there she mocked his buns of steel
Ha! A few of the schploggers were just making fun of people who overuse the word Harbibol when we found this on Urban Dictionary. Oh how gloriously synchronistic are the ways of the universe, haribol haribol.
It was defined as follows:
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A classical example of overgeneric Hare Krishna jargon. The equivalent of “Hey”, “Hello”, “Have a nice day”, “Good night”,etc. Bears a semblance [sic] to the way the Smurfs use the noun “smurf” and the verb “smurfing”, though not as widely applicable.
Haribol Ma’am, I’d like to sell you a book. No? OK, thanks anyway and haribol! |
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Of course, as the gummi bear people say, “Haribol macht Kinder froh!”
Oh, sorry, that’s HARIBO.
