schplog » rants (tangential)

overheard at dinner

admin — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 19:15:44 +0000

Overheard at dinner (but is it true?):

“Cancun is like, way trashier than Acapulco.”

cast of thousands

O for Olaf — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 21:17:37 +0000

Blogs are old news. All I hear about lately is podcasting and I thoroughly disapprove. i say, I thoroughly disapprove. Moreover, I say, “Let he who is without sin cast the first pod.”

Podcasting? Hmmmph. More like flawed casting.

sand tassles

schlinky — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:19:37 +0000

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s men’s loafers with tassels.

Penny loafers are pretty bad but it’s the tassels that get me. It’s just not … masculine. And if you wanna go femme, try a hot pink stiletto.

I just dumped a guy for showing up to the opera in tasseled footwear. Thanks to Don McLean for giving me the idea of doing it by way of a friend.

And if he asks you why, you can tell him that I told you
That I’m tired of tassles in the air.
I’ve got a basic sense of taste, decency and style I want the world to share
And tassled shoes just lead me to despair.

Mules of forest green, slippers, brogues and clogs,
They’re not great, but I’ll put up with them without flogs.
I’m asking you to throw out your awful togs.
I’m leaving you and returning to the schplogs.

Save me from all the trouble and the pain.
I know I’m weak, but I can’t face those shoes again.
Tell him the reasons why I can’t explain,
Perhaps he’ll understand if you point to your mary jane.

going crazy at the A&P or the crazy Q

schlinky — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 18:56:53 +0000

Grr, I had something funny to say about yurts, but then I forgot. And anyway there are apparently already a couple of yurt-related schplogs in the queue. God, is that how you spell q? I can’t mind my ps and qs.

Mind yer pa. Not yer Ps and Qs.

turtleneck vs bottleneck (Yertle the Turtle)

O for Olaf — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 16:21:05 +0000

You can build your suburban sprawl til the cows come home.

But I’m going to build my Yurt til the Turtle comes home.

genetically engineered rodents?

admin — Tue, 29 May 2007 18:36:23 +0000

“I can has keyboard?” – Li’l Miss Lolmouse

Why would Microsoft be genetically engineering rodents? Why would they even want to be involved in such a nefarious plot? Why? Why? Why?

This just in from Business Week:

Companies such as Logitech International and Microsoft spend millions trying to make mice and keyboards that are more ergonomically friendly.

Italics ours.

That FREAKED US OUT until the proverbial penny dropped, two seconds too late.

Can’t those weirdos at Business Week say “mouse-controls” or perhaps come up with something less redundant but also less creepy?

german fruit football — it’s an obst tackle

admin — Thu, 24 May 2007 20:29:11 +0000

I can’t believe you think I shouldn’t try out for the obstacle course team.

You’re hurdling my feelings!

I led zeppelin to the edge

looey ratatouille — Sun, 06 May 2007 20:33:18 +0000

You can lead a zeppelin to water but you cannot make it sink.

You can LED a zeppelin but you cannot make it blink.

You can lead a stairway to heaven but only to the brink.

You can listen to led zeppelin but only at the skating rink.

triskaidekaphobia: say, what gives?

schlinky — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 23:35:20 +0000

It’s Friday the 13th and all through the house;
not a creature is stirring; not even a black cat chasing a mouse.

Because unless you’re a triskaidekaphobe, you don’t care. Triskaidekaphobia is a superstitious fear that crazy people have of the number 13. A specific fear of Friday the 13th – held by especially loony people – is called paraskavedekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia.

The word is made up of a bunch of Greek parts and everyone knows they were mad as hatters.

Tris = “three”, kai = “and”, deka = “ten” (thus thirteen), + phobia, “fear, flight”. There you have it.

Nutty as the ancient Greeks were, though, the word is actually a modern formation, first appearing in 1911 in I.H.Coriat’s Abnormal Psychology. Speaking of wackjobs.
And the story behind this suspiciously unlucky day (is it? is it?) is apparently the murder of the entire Knights Templar back in 1307. This event is said to be the origin of the supposed unluckiness of Friday the 13th… one bad Friday the 13th and it’s all downhill from there (crazy-headed victims of thirteenanomics and related Fridacities say, “See? See?”).

Of course even that goes back further: Apparently Jesus was crucified on a Friday, which was execution day among the Romans. The British continued the tradition by making Friday Hangman’s Day. The phrase “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” dates from these times. Whoo hoo! Only crazy people don’t like a good hanging!

Notable lunatics such as Napolean, Franklin Roosevelt, King Edward VII and Schplog hero Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobes.

Even in Formula 1 racing, a sport more known for adrenaline junkie morons than for
psychos, there is no #13 car. There used to be until two drivers of that number car were killed in collisions. Now they just kill themselves in cars with other numbers.

Some cities skip 13 altogether when it comes to naming their streets.
In San Francisco, which everyone knows is filled to the brim with wackos, Funston Avenue is the one between 12th and 14th Avenues. While the street between 12th and 14tth Street is Division St.

In Sacramento, however, the dull-to-the-bones bureaucratic capital of California, which has a restraining order obliging crazy people to keep from approaching the city by at least 200 yards, you can actually stand at the corner of 13th and 13th, where 13th Street crosses 13th Avenue.

We leave you with the words of known mental patient Stephen King: “Most hotels very sensibly do not have 13th floors. . . . When I am reading, I will not stop on page 94, page 193, page 382, et al. — the digits of these numbers add up to 13.”

a majestic pain in the Q&A

admin — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 02:33:45 +0000

Which knight of the round table wasn’t very keen on offering up personal information?

Survey (survey iz mir. oy.)

Anyway, we asked the Schploggers to fill out some basic get-to-know you questionnaires to help us come up with a better picture of the average schplogger. Unfortunately this was no help. Here are some of the questions and answers from one of the forms — maybe you can get more out of this than we can. Grrrrrrr.

What is your favorite color?
Magenta

What is your favorite name?
Madge

Favorite word?
Ente, German for duck

The word you hate most?
Magenta

Favorite game
Mahjongg

What one thing would you bring with you to a desert island?
My magenta colored sweatpants

Anything about your family history we should know?
Direct descendent of Ferdinand Magellan

Please describe your most embarrassing moment.
Discovering that ma was a gent. Uh ……

Do you have a preferred political system?
Majority rules

Favorite spice?
Marjoram

Favorite spice girl?
Uh …

What is your favorite book?
The Color Purple, by Alice Walker