schplog

Word on the street has it (thnx huggy bear) that Folgers is introducing two new coffee varieties to the market, specifically targeting the hip, ironic and infirm youth of today.

The one for rebels is actually supposed to complement “that smoky flavor” of the early morning cigarette (whoah, can you hear the backlash?). The ads are supposed to be awesome. There’s this young, skinny hipster guy, wearing a  “Your Favorite Band Sucks” t-shirt, and he’s clearly just woken up. He’s got a cigarette in his mouth and is poking around the kitchen for his instant coffee. He finds it and is so thrilled that he almost hacks up a lung. And then the voiceover says, “Ever heard of Smoker’s Cough? How about Smoker’s Coffee?”
Ohmygod. Apparently the ad for the Party Hard Whooping Coffee is even better, but I haven’t seen it yet.

Overheard in St. Louis . . .

“I betcha you’ll never come up with a name for your ice cream parlor.”

“Oh yeah? I sure as heck will!”

“You couldn’t come up with a name if ya tried.”

“Oh yeah? Can too.”

“Go on, try it. I double dog dare ya.”

“That’s it. The Double Dog Dairy. Thanks.”

Do you want to come over and try out my new favorite aerobics/lifestyle video? It’s got Jane Fonda, purple leotards, Malibu sunsets and it’s called “Wait! Way-cool ways to lose weight with whey!” It’s like, you get to eat as much cheese as you want, as long as it’s melted and you keep moving.

No way! I mean, no whey! No can do! I mean, no fondue! How sleazy is that? I mean, how cheesy is that?

Important fashion update from the Schplog. Sorry, no pictures.

Word on the street (thnx huggy bear) is that the new hipster shoes are clumpety-bumpkin clodhoppers. It’s part of the new slack couture (slack-jawed yokels meet high fashion).

And don’t forget to stick a piece of straw between your teeth: it’s the new black.

Oh yeah? You and what army? Behold thy mirror, thou bootless milk-livered moldwarp!

Schplog rejoices at this chance to create choice Shakespearian insults, using blues musician Pete Levin’s nifty Shakespearian Insult Generator tool. Try it out (not on us) right HERE!

The very next time someone says to you, “Say, what gives?” you should have a suitably snooty comeback instead of just shaking your fist and mumbling, “Why I …”

I tried to pour a bottle of those spearmint miniature laughing hyenas — you know, the kind that tell bawdy jokes — into a larger container using a funnel.

Funnelly enough, it didn’t work.

What a scandal it was when it turned out that the new all-vegan hair products for forest animals weren’t made in America, as advertised but actually in north Africa using local grains and foodstuffs.

There was succulent squirrel surprise scrub made mostly of nuts, which was okay. And hare hair gel jelly.

But what about moose mousse cous-cous??

Introducing . . . Affordices!

According to the dictionary, this means a reasonably priced vortex that one can invest in or purchase with relative ease. And that’s exactly what it is!

“It’s so expensive nowadays to stare bleakly into the spinning, turbulent abyss of your own soul. I never realized that I could get a vortex that would suit my financial needs. I’m in seventh heaven!” — Margie Greenblatt, Philadelphia

Margie isn’t the only one making innovative use of a vortex or two! Now that they are so affordable, you can do it too!

Why don’t you get your own set of Affordices today? New and improved and extra-cozy. Be the first on YOUR block to collect all four! You wouldn’t believe all the things you can do with a vortex!