After being buttonholed yet again this morning with a story about how intestinal bloating was giving him trouble, and that now none of his pants would button anymore, I thought I’d share a little folk remedy I learned while on assignment in the Balkans many years ago. (Besides, who knows how his final will and testament will read!)

I brewed him a batch of a strong herbal-tea concoction that was guaranteed, absolutely certified to sooth gassy guts, and as I promised him, would take that distended stomach and render it slim again, make him as thin and handsome as he’d been in his youth. (Why not soap him up a bit, I thought!)

Well, it took all afternoon to gather the herbs and create the medicine, and can you not guess what resulted? He threw it in my face — scalding me badly — and swore that not only had he never been able to bear the taste of tea, but found this artificial means of slenderizing absolutely repugnant…

Indeed. Turned out he was a flatter-tea-totaller.