schplog

My friends Jim and Nate are huge Drew Barrymore fans. Either one would do just about anything for her, including carry her over puddles, hold her shopping bags, stand in front of her so she could balance a novel on a sturdy shoulder, and so on. They would offer themselves up in a second to be her collectible collapsible ashtray if they only could.

Jim would hoist her bike on his shoulder and help her move houses. Nate dreams of being her personal assistant, just so he could lug around her books and scripts and hold her pen and offer it to her whenever she needed to sign something.

Jim imagines what it would be like to lift huge logs for her, gather her firewood, and hold onto the beams of a collapsing ceiling so that she could escape. Nate is more inclined to bring her clipboard and purse along to meetings and maybe bring in a tray of lattes.

It sounds crazy but one day they heard through a friend that Drew Barrymore was actually looking for a personal assistant. And get this — not one, but two personal assistants! Jim and Nate were jumping for joy although they were a little put out by all of her specifications. It seemed she was looking for people with theater background (not a mime) or at least someone who could do impressions and wouldn’t mind heavy lifting.

Both Nate and Jim are decent mimics, but Nate still realized that he wasn’t going to get the job.

Nate conceded. “Jim is just so much stronger than I am, even in his fantasies. It’s kind of ridiculous, but when it all comes down to it, I think he’s the one for the job. I mean, all that lifting. It would probably be too hard for me. Even if I get the job too, the best thing to do would just be to let JIM CARREY MORE!

p.s. if this post isn’t funny, please read the original one